i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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