i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Randomize
