My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
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