Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
