I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
