I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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