you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Randomize
