there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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