I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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