i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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