I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Randomize
