You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Randomize
