im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
