Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Randomize
