Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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