Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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