So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
