i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
