oh god the rape fog is back!
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
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