i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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