So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Question. A woman tells her guy she's on birth control. Stops taking it to have a kid to force the guy to be responsible and with her. What rights does that guy have
None he's f-d
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
