I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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