Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
