Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Someone came in the potted fern
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
