they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
