I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
