You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
foreskin is a definite game changer
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I wear drunk well.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Randomize
