If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
