You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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