I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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