I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Randomize
