U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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