Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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