i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
