Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
you will always have a special place in my vag
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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