If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
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