the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
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