you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
She tied me up with her honor cords...
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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