I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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