She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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