I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
