I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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