I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
