you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
worst night to have a conscience
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
