I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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