I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
