Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
