make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
