took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
