hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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